Having trouble posting...

... keyboard covered in tar.

Sneak Preview: Clipart for an Age of Decline

I told you it wasn't going to be pretty. But now they're here. In a HAB4U exclusive we have leaked samples of Microsoft's Office 2009 recession-ready clipart. So watch out those of you who still have jobs with computers and meetings in 2009, which will only really be people in the 'trench-digging and dead-body putting-in-the-trench' industry. That and being a crazy person.

Wishing yourself a 'Picton Birthday', or just shooting yourself in the mouth, will be popular activities this year. And if you want to talk about them in a powerpoint in some not-so-subtle cry for help then the new Office has you covered. Unfortunately you will be giving your powerpoint to the salvation army, who don't have a working video projector.

I think this one's pretty self explanatory: You'll have to sell your wife's prosthetic hand to pay the power bill. And your attempt to build her a new one from fencing wire and toilet rolls will humiliate her so deeply that she permanently looses the power of speech. Happy 2009 everyone.

Pre-Recession Time Capsule Unearthed Deep Within MS Office

Cast your minds back to a time before The Recession. If you're finding it difficult to think over the thick stench of new-hobos burning their last belongings in trash-cans, for warmth, then take a look at this:

This is an image included somewhere in my never-used Office 2004 folder. The pictures tell a stylishly-shaded tale of what things were like before the whole world economy went to total shit. Diggers loaded up trucks. Couples hugged trees and dug around them, secure in the knowledge that they were basically giants.

ACTUAL giant farmers roamed the planes, claiming and cuddling grain silos like the benevolent subsidy-gods they are. And Michael Clyne had the power to become a REAL SAIL.

  

That's how things used to be. Now it's just apply tar or have tar applied to you. Burn shit in a big metal drum, or have all your shit burnt in a big metal drum. The future is a long unemployed squirrels' nest of pain in which all your computers will eventually need servicing or upgrades which you can not afford, because you will be slightly poorer, and slightly more dead inside. Those cliparts aint pretty. You've been warned.

Also: women had freakishly wide shoulders. And were ghosts.

Rants for the Ages

I consider myself I am definitely one of the internet's foremost authorities on awkward public rants. But somehow this guy managed to slip by me. Well here it is. Judging by his pretty sympathetic wikipedia article it seems that this guy was a time-travelling king, with US patriotism EXPs so over-levelled that he could make 100 Euro notes burst into flames just by squinting at them. So naturally the Reptites had no choice but to burn his name out of history, porting him back to 65,000,000 B.C. Or a federal mental asylum. Which ever is the actual thing that happened. The End.

Memorandum

[EDIT:

Since when did interns write up long rambling official looking memos? Anyone who thinks that will fly here really has no idea how much of a dick I am. Nice tar pic though.

/EDIT]