Mt. Ruapehu Cops...

... they ain't that smart.

Great Moments in Redneck Science

Quite clearly a Nobel contender. Listen right to the end for an extra dose of comedy.

Found by Dave.

Introducing the TURDUCKEN

The hallmark of a great civilization... Emancipation? Universal suffrage? Indoor plumbing? Freedom of speech?I used to think it might be one of those. That was until I laid my eyes on the TURDUCKEN:

Yes, that is a chicken, in a duck, in a turkey.

You know that you're living in a great age when the average citizen can mail order one of these bad boys over the Internet.

Extra points go to the French for taking it to the next level. Perhaps the only way to beat that would be a sparrow, stuffed in a kiwi, stuffed in a puppy, stuffed in a dog, stuffed in a dolphin.

A New Kind of Science

Stephen Wolfram was a child prodigy who made a shit load of cash from developing a program that will do your math home work for you. But instead of blowing all of his cash on hookers and blow like any self-respecting engineer, he decided to write some bullshit book about how even the most simple things are as complicated as fuck and that the universe is actually some kind of giant 2 dimensional black and white XOR statement or something.

Anyway... this post isn't actually about that loon... it's a plug for this site. The segway being this virtualization of Wolfram's cellular automata crap.

Some of you may know the site's creator as the guy holding the cabbage... some of you went to his party and criticized his crappy art purchases... the rest of you should check out the cool apps and flash (with source)...

Pro Tip: don't use an inferior operating system if you want to dazzle the hell out of your cohabitators with an awesome screen saver.

Expander to Kill Pope?

Phantom Expander = Anthrax Mend Pope.

Coincidence or SECRET MESSAGE? It's the second one probably. A Secret Message that the Phantom Expander wants to Fix the Pope. With ANTHRAX. Because face it, it's way too shitty a name to not have a secret anagram in it.

Profiler Report Contains SHOCKING Expander Insights

First off, the ABC's illiterate claim that "Blenheim has only got [like, I reckon probably] 10,000 residents" is not even close to right. This is why all newspapers are going bankrupt.

Anyway HAB4U don't play that way. We've got our best reporter in Blenheim working this case round the clock; old style, no flash, door to door beating the pavement bloody.

And from our Wellington office we have one of the worlds foremost forensic psychiatrists working this case with SCIENCE. Below is his initial analysis of the Expander's TERRORISM note to the Marlborough Express:

The initial profile suggests a male, 40+ yearz old, doesn't like noise, kids, carz. He probably looks A LOT like some teacher from Blenheim. Well, you can read the stuff it says. And don't worry: even though the "main stream" Marlborough media has dropped pretty much every fucking ball on this case, we will crack this one.

Sneak Preview: Clipart for an Age of Decline

I told you it wasn't going to be pretty. But now they're here. In a HAB4U exclusive we have leaked samples of Microsoft's Office 2009 recession-ready clipart. So watch out those of you who still have jobs with computers and meetings in 2009, which will only really be people in the 'trench-digging and dead-body putting-in-the-trench' industry. That and being a crazy person.

Wishing yourself a 'Picton Birthday', or just shooting yourself in the mouth, will be popular activities this year. And if you want to talk about them in a powerpoint in some not-so-subtle cry for help then the new Office has you covered. Unfortunately you will be giving your powerpoint to the salvation army, who don't have a working video projector.

I think this one's pretty self explanatory: You'll have to sell your wife's prosthetic hand to pay the power bill. And your attempt to build her a new one from fencing wire and toilet rolls will humiliate her so deeply that she permanently looses the power of speech. Happy 2009 everyone.

Daily Science

Was looking over this mildly amusing thing that happened once. But then I found some science:

In Soviet Russia, once a week swallows you.

Who Runs This Cat Game?

Yeah so i seen this busted out glasses lens on the ground and got to thinking, why the fuck not make a space helmet for a cat?

Well what do you know, I actually kind of followed through on an idea for once and made one.

Obviously it needs ear-holes, a sweet paint job, and Monty is not playing ball, so a co-operative cat would be an advantage, and a personality disorder that allowed me to ignore a cat's distress at not wanting to be suffocated. Aside from all that though, I'm quite pleased with myself for a job half done.

Avian Abduction, or THUNDERBIRDS: An Actual Thing

If you haven't been picked up and carried away by a giant bird then you should count yourself lucky. BECAUSE IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. The culprits tend to be either giant Eagles or THUNDERBIRDS, which are very real ginormous birds. Here is a book about them that you can buy. But that wont stop them. It would take 5 Barack Obamas to stop just a baby one, and even then just for a moment.

If you care at all about the safety of your family and pets then you should probably check out Biofort, the most credible authority on giant birds grabbing kids and owning them for ever. His blog is actually pretty good, and his theory on the Mattoon gasser makes a lot more sense than the psychological explanations (assuming that his facts are straight, which they almost certainly aren't).

PS: The crypto in Cryptozoology means definitely true. And this blog is now about cryptozoology.

New Disease Probably Exists

Is there a name for thinking traffic shaping is happening everywhere and all the time? I've never been short on paranoid bandwidth delusions, or left wanting after completely real work-arounds. But whatever shit I'm in to right now is of a whole new order of magnitude. SOMEONE IS BLOCKING some place called "www.google.com", and people taking showers is actually what's slowing down my torrents. Also some of them went backwards last night. I actually have less episodes of Ryôri no tetsujin now than I did when I went to sleep.

Also if you know computers: Are ports a metaphor? Or can I forward them with a piece of tinfoil, like I actually know I definitely can? I'm guessing that I can.

Ghost Watch

As far as google is concerned, no one has ever said "if you died there would be ghosts" on the internet. Yet there's this:

Personally I don't know if there are ghosts or not but I just really really want to be dead. That way I wont have to fire our traffic baiting, double-posting interns. Or do the whole Scent of a Woman thing to stop them getting expelled.  Or hold them and say 'it's not your fault', which would be hard to do since everyone knows that it totally is this time. Recession!

Wither The Interogation Point. Welcome the Interrobang.

While we're waiting for our crowdsourced blog-theme to emerge, it seems totally awesome to talk about the interrogation point, eroteme, or - for those of you who learnt talkin and writin and word lookin and what not from some dreary New Zealand highschool, slathered with mushed up pies and bark covered apples and run by degenerates who probably couldn't get a table at a mid priced family restaurant, because they are so poorly dressed and obviously drunk - the "question mark".

It's the thing that goes at the end of every single sentence you say, because you are all hillbillies with whiney Kiwi white-trash accents. Also, people with ninehundredandeleven girlfriends know it as unicode U+003F and U+FF1F, as a nullable data type handler, or as sort of zero except when something else happens. Whatever.

But anyway, fuck all of that. Because a new challenger has appeared. The interrobang (U+203D).

That's all really. What? Interrobang.

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Tech Rumours

Does anyone know when Apple is going to stop sending ghosts out to do my ex's bidding? Is there a workaround for this?

The 10.5.3 upgrade was expected to resolve this issue. However, I can say that 3 days after running it my microwave is still filled with ectoplasm. Decoding Apple's moves regarding this issue has been difficult. They have only publicly acknowledged the issue once. And the guy who did that died mysteriously.

Tech time...

oh hi, have you's heard about the latest search engine? cuil (pronounced cool), it's supposed to be taking on google, well at least be a competitor. i hear it's run by ex-google employees along with other ex-employees of large internets companys (ibm, paypal). it's main point of difference is that it catogourizes your search into different parts. it also has a sleek black design (which might help you searh faster). but, if they can't even find "haveababyforyou" on the internets, then they don't get my respect.