On the Advance of Burger Delivery Systems

In Amsterdam your burgers are no longer administered by minimum-wage earning, teenage puss bags - they have rightfully been transferred to the domain of the machines. These tasty little fuckers will set you back about E2.20 for the deluxe edition and are never older than 15 minutes which is surprisingly good value. Available options are the usual (chicken, beef and I think fish although I didn't try it), extras are lettuce, onions and some kind of mayo-tomato hybrid sauce, all served on a fresh sesame seed bun.

For your average tourist (stoned, whore-mongering European) dealing with a vending machine is a lot less complicated than conversing with the Dutch, which is why these fast food arrays get 4/5 bones for taste, value and convenience.

UPDATE: Turns out this is how your great-grandfather got his munch on when he was out whoring in European cities: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Automat

It would seem that we are in the twilight of the Automat era.

Foreign Correspondence: Eating in Spain

The Spainiards raise their collective middle finger to vegetarian health geeks everywhere and pack their markets chock to the rim with meat and spicey sausage, eat platters of greasy seafood with beer and cigars for breakfast, and take their pizza in a cone (which is nowhere as good as it looks).

Also Gaudi is overrated. From the outside the Sagrada Família looks like God squatted down and pinched off four nutty ones. The inside makes you want to grab a railgun, hide in the rafters and start bagging Eurotrash.

Fish New Humans

You would have to be a complete idiot not to have noticed that fish everywhere are making some sort of play at us.

Exhibit one: That picture above? That's a bunch of angry ASSERTIVE carp swarming around man's best friend in an attempt to rob her of her precious eggy centre.

Exhibit two: The made-up show-off of the fish world - the pink dolphin - has appeared somewhere in the US. "I just happened to see a little pod of dolphins, and I noticed one that was a little lighter. It was absolutely stunningly pink." The person who said that is now in a special morgue for crazy people. (Before someone embarrasses themselves: Dolphins ARE fish.)

Final thing: A fish with a HUMAN FACE. Yeah. A FACE OF AN ACTUAL FUCKING HUMAN.

That's right. Three links from the telegraph. Fish.

Introducing the TURDUCKEN

The hallmark of a great civilization... Emancipation? Universal suffrage? Indoor plumbing? Freedom of speech?I used to think it might be one of those. That was until I laid my eyes on the TURDUCKEN:

Yes, that is a chicken, in a duck, in a turkey.

You know that you're living in a great age when the average citizen can mail order one of these bad boys over the Internet.

Extra points go to the French for taking it to the next level. Perhaps the only way to beat that would be a sparrow, stuffed in a kiwi, stuffed in a puppy, stuffed in a dog, stuffed in a dolphin.

Supermarket Guru Needs Views

"Looks like I'm going to be tasting a lot of salsas this year." That's the sort of optimism this blog sorely needs.

Mystery Solved

With all the recent Darwin vs. God controversy, you may have been asking yourself: What came first, the chicken, or the egg?

Well, that's actually a trick question. Because it was quite clearly the CAN.