Megabytes, Gigabytes, Hoarded by Ungrateful Immigrants.

Not content with talking in some primitive squid language, clogging up my airport security with their uncomprehending fumbling, and owning and operating moderately successful small retail businesses, immigrants are at it again. You may have noticed that your internet has been distressingly slow lately. Or you may have noticed that it's actually got a bit faster. What you probably haven't noticed, because they're gone, is the literally millions of megabytes that immigrants have been hoarding away under their beds in their foreign storage arrays.

These people are taking KBs out of your children's mouths. And since the main-stream media is unable, or unwilling, to talk about the problem I'm having to call shenanigans. Over the coming weeks I will explore every aspect of this conspiracy, from complicit ISPs through to corrupt customs officials who turn a blind eye to the stream of SATA drives leaving New Zealand every single day.

In the meantime, I implore every member of the HAB4U community to contact their MP about this creeping datafacism. More updates to come.

When TV was Awesome

Just a quick observation: somewhere, once, there were awesome things on the television. For instance why not soak up this six part symposium on rock versus metal? Or watch a genuine unexpected battle to the racist death in which that guy who does Fox News gets his nose broken. Or the guy that kicked that fight off pushing Al Sharpton out of his chair? Or finally, this calm reasoned policy debate where no one shouts at all. Note the awesome on-set smoking.

(My god that girl in the beret is an idiot. And a WWF ninja. And a Fox News correspondent. But she did found the Guardian Angels. I think. And then there's this. Actually maybe she's totally awesome.)

Anyway the reality/talk crap we have on now is what those reports of US military insects are, to waking up on the couch and finding that thousands of real insects are in your pants is, to the Morton Downey show. Marinade on that.

Announcement: Liveblogging Election, Breakfast

Tomorrow I will be making a bunch of waffles (with whipped cream and bacon) and eating them while I watch the US election. I will be liveblogging the whole process, so tune in from around 8PM UTC/GMT. Or 9AM NZ time. Yeah that's right. Probably while you're at work.

Education Station

I mentioned Mr Rodgers was a cock in a previous comment. I thought I had better back it it up with some hard facts. I can't find the article where he actually says he likes the badges cos the Marlborough Express is not going online until 2031, but it exists, he said it, he's a cock.

Blenheim Multicultural Festival

It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that Blenheim was founded by a racist beaver. And true to this tradition, it has tended to act as beacon for retarded racist bogans, nestling them soundly in it's pale warm cracker-pouch (like some sort of skin-head kangaroo). This brought with it a pride in shit tattoos and a strange sense of ownership over public places bordering on the pathetic. The current mayor also made his name by doing donuts all over that 'Wairau affray' memorial - the one semi non-racist thing in the town at the time.

So that's why I was impressed to learn of the annual multicultural festival that runs there now. As you can see from the pictures it was probably a lot of fun. In any case it totally destroys that shit thing where everyone pretends getting locked in cattle yard on a 32C day and buying beer with monopoly money is a cool thing to do. Or the other one where the local wine glitterati pretend that they're somehow hipper than normal farmers by inviting a couple of bands to play out on a farm while the locals embarrass themselves, drinking from the bottle and having frumpy public sex in the mud.

Anyway, I'm sure that whatever underlying demographic shift justifies this whole party is totally alienating a bunch of people who... well lets face it, they didn't really need this. The aggravation of hearing foreign accents and smelling non microwaved food really just adds to an already painfully bewildering situation.... what with the price of petrol and all. But yeah... it's the best event of three. (I'm not counting the Christmas parade because I consider it more of a presentation than an event. Like a powerpoint.)

PolitoCast

Was hunting for images on flickr, for some sort of 'dad's business' related super post. Got distracted by some pics taken by the world's nosiest clown.

Then I found this photo of these two drunk little people being forced to make out. I guess for as long as they can't vote we can keep getting away with this sort of shit. But I still think we should tone it down - I don't look forward to the day when all these drunk little crackers get organised.

Reviews: Mother FakeCrate (1986)

Continuing on with the whole banned VHS theme, we have Mother FakeCrate (1986). The basic story is that it's the future (around now I guess), and there aren't any young people who want to work because they're all really busy "springloading". That's like drugs but it's done with a big spike into the chin and computers. I think it's a little bit like watching DVDs. Anyway at the docks there's no one to load crates on to the boats. So the lady who runs the docks decides to get a team of old men to help. Anyway the old men are lazy and ethnic, and she quickly tires of them and their lame tales of the old country. One of them gets his face buffed off on one of those motorised workshop sharpeners. Another tries to swim to safety and gets sucked into the fan of a hydrofoil (what? it's the future).

This was also called 'The Older You Work' in the US. It's an easy 3/5, but to be honest I don't really care. As long as P-mans disgusting eye awesome eye, what, put it back, I'm not bothered, is no longer the leader is everywhere I look, everywhere, for ever.

PredjuCast: English people.

It's something of a New Zealand tradition to go to London for a year or two and claim that it's awesome. Upon returning you can then work yourself back into whatever small-town rut you interrupted secure in the knowledge that you've seen everything that could ever be seen ever. It's a good plan, but I question the destination.

The reason I question it is that England is incredibly shit. Not because of the crap weather, or the bland scenery, but because it is full of English people. English people pretty much all suck. The fact that you watched some clever 30 year old BBC comedy once doesn't change that. That every now and then they wheel out one of the three or four people in the whole country who can string a coherent sentence together (and do so without running off halfway through to elbow some girl in the face over the queue for bacon butties) and get them to do a 10 minute lecture on evolution or something doesn't change it either. They're still jerks.

Other fundamental failings, besides being English, include: their liking sports so much, their shit food, and their bizarre obsession with buying up Spain. The most completely fail amongst them get singled out with stupid English-type putdowns like 'chav' and 'scally', and are mocked as themes for dress-up parties and characters for weakly written Channel4 comedies. This is all a clever ruse to disguise the fact that these people are 95% of the population. The other 5% service and install CCTV cameras.

JennyCast

Service-Station Security: Why don't we just call it a day and institute some sort of late night snack glory-hole system. Maybe a concrete bunker where you feed crumpled bills into a hose and then random food and drink is delivered to your house a year or two later. Cowards.

Data Backups: Selling a permanent marker that wont write on CDs. Well played sir.

Peanut Shortage: I knew this was coming. You could tell by the sudden drop in organ-grinder based street entertainments. Certainly raises the stakes in the west's dealings with the 'satay-kingdom' - you know who I'm talking about. Haven't felt the pinch yet? Just you wait.

Music LOLWHAT more like it. amright?

The last week I've been playing nothing but Burzum's Filosofem. Because I'm some sort of a nordic racist i guess. Here's another of their albums. It has a burnt church on it, and he burnt the church, and then he killed some dude. The guy was all like... hey... you owe me money or something. The guitars are really shit sounding like they're actually using a stompbox with the word 'metal' written on it somewhere. Which is awesome. [UPDATE: the pictured album has a track called 'The Crying Orc' on it.]