6.7.14
Conspiracy journal
The oxygen/nitrogen ratio in the air seems high to me. My mass spectrometer is missing so, I am relying on my sense of taste to make these measurements. I'm dizzy more often lately- unrelated.
29.5.11
Man, This Blog Was Cool.
10.6.09
This is where d'eels go
8.6.09
Heart of Lightness, A Journey up the Taylor. Part 1.
“How could drops of water know themselves to be a river? Yet the river flows on"
Some Guy
Part 1. The Big Tree.
The boats engine exploded awake. The power of 4 horses churned the green water into a boiling fury of weed and probably chopped up trout. Captain O'hagan looked down at the forces he had unleashed, and smiled bitterly.
"First Mate Wolf! Bring the anchors up, and set a course for that big tree!" The Captain yelled, his booming voice echoing down the river, frightening trout.
"Why cappy? what's so special about the tree?" the ships exotic dancer, Roparty, asked sexily.
"What's so special? I'll tell you what's special, you old salty sea cucumber! I intend to climb that tree"
A fearful quiet descended over the Riverking. This command, coupled with the captains earlier purchase of a $27 dozen confirmed what we had all long suspected. He had gone mad. Drunk off the awesome power at his command, he was putting the dryness of all our clothes at risk...
Note: legal concerns prevent me from publishing the photographs I promised. I do however own the rights to a graphic novel of the days events.
4.6.09
Boating Fucking RULES. A Pre-Post.
Hi community. This is just a quick 'heads up' to let you know that me,Roparty, and several other HAB4U contemporaries had THE TIME OF OUR LIVES boating down b-towns lovely Taylor river. It was nothing like the picture, in fact it was so soothing that it seems like a sleepy dream. But we have pictures to prove that it wasn't.
Hold on to your boating hats...
30.5.09
Pissing in the street
25.5.09
What is Happening
Our inboxes groan with anonymous swears and spittle-smeared demands for sexy new posts. But the posts can not come. Until our glorious rebirth.
Luckily everything we've ever wanted to say is here .
And so: carry on for now. A community rich, whole and undivided; blank contentless screenburn a broken plate at some Mediterranean wedding. Everyone is a little sunburned and thirsty. No, you can not take a plate outside.
Goodbye for now.
22.4.09
HAB4U Meet-Along: What Happened
What happened? At the developers' conference? The usual:
1. Pleasantries.
2. Discussion of things about blogs.
3. Decide Roparty will do it, because code is hard.
4. Record conference theme song.
5. Watch kids dancing.
Na but seriously, this blog is pretty much on hold until we emerge, butterfly like, from the sweaty crumb-filled sleeping-bag of development. The sleeping bag is the cocoon. We'll keep you all posted.
Update:
Here's our conference theme-scape:
17.4.09
Hab4U DevCamp Meet-Along 2009
It's happening. Probably this Sunday. Anyone interested should drop a line. For those too fucking lazy to skype in there will naturally be a comprehensive live-blog of the outcome. What might that outcome look like? A new site-design work-flow code super-roadway.
If you're an advertiser, then you should pull your kids out of their dubious private school and sell them to the mongrel mob. Because our CPMs will bankrupt you. If you're an investor, then you just tripled your carbon footprint, increased your height slightly, and gave your family a decent reason to mask their contempt for you. This is your time. But you'll probably fuck it up. See you there.
16.4.09
13.4.09
On the Advance of Burger Delivery Systems
For your average tourist (stoned, whore-mongering European) dealing with a vending machine is a lot less complicated than conversing with the Dutch, which is why these fast food arrays get 4/5 bones for taste, value and convenience.
UPDATE: Turns out this is how your great-grandfather got his munch on when he was out whoring in European cities: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Automat
It would seem that we are in the twilight of the Automat era.
8.4.09
Foreign Correspondence: Eating in Spain
The Spainiards raise their collective middle finger to vegetarian health geeks everywhere and pack their markets chock to the rim with meat and spicey sausage, eat platters of greasy seafood with beer and cigars for breakfast, and take their pizza in a cone (which is nowhere as good as it looks).
Also Gaudi is overrated. From the outside the Sagrada FamÃlia looks like God squatted down and pinched off four nutty ones. The inside makes you want to grab a railgun, hide in the rafters and start bagging Eurotrash.
7.4.09
The Future Will Be This Place Being An Irresistible Web-Place
Blogvigoration? How about we just out-blog the whole concept of the internet? What we're going to do is that one. The futuristic game changing one.
So fuck the things you believe in and care about right now. They will not sustain you.
In other words HAB4U is going into some sort of futuristic development zone from which it will someday emerge with some of the following things: not being google-powered... and having USER-GENERATED SOCIAL NETWORKZ E L E M E N T S and so much javascript and PHP, which I wont be writing, that you will see things working before they are even clicked.
Clickthrough. Clickjacking. Clicksnapback. Remember how facebook changed and everyone cried their stupid squinty eyes out, as if a slight site redesign is the worst thing a soulless corporation with all your personal photos and shit can do to you? I don't. But this will be like that.
PS: Can someone give our banner an "alpha" or "beta" or whichever one it is when it's not done yet?
2.4.09
Blog-vigoration
Speaking of crazy Google searches, I was also pondering ways to re-invigorate this C.Y.P.S case of a blog.
Prizes? More internships? Sexy, sexy drawings of men? Somehow making blogs not shit?
No you idiot, I just searched "blogvigoration" and trusted the Internet would steer me right.
It lead me to a wordless post from another blog. Simply, this confrontational black man.
I don't know what to make of this. What does it mean. Please give me clearer signs Internet Jesus.
search engine optimisation
In the world of web develpment there is a large importance on getting your website at the top of a google search entry. This is called Search engine optimization (SEO).
For us, being an important underheard voice in the NZ blogosphere (or even the world blogosphere), SEO is a critical tool to get our blog out to the masses. Searching for a term like "blogs in nz" yields no results for HAB4U (at least not in the first 10 pages). So there is something that needs to be worked on. BUT, if you search for the term "cure for dick cheese" we get not only on the first page, but we get the top result. How's that for SEO bitches?
UPDATE: its only when you wrap it in quotation marks, but it was a nice thought.
UPDATE 2: inb4 “why you searching for that?” – i was looking at the analytics for our site and that’s how someone found our site
30.3.09
Liveblogging Watching W.
It's been a long time since a good old fashioned HAB4U LIVEBLOGGING. So here goes:
No smokes, no sheets. The thick humidity of fail beaded upon my evening. My only solace: A torrented copy of an Oliver Stone biopic, which no one seemed to rate too highly, but which is finally about someone I can remember.
10:59: Fuck this thing is two and some more hours long.
11:02: I bet the baseball field thing is a METAPHOR. Also there's no fucking way that's how Frum busted out 'axis of evil'. That's the last time I'll make a real point.
11:08: I bet the homoerotic hazing scene is meant to bookend with the muslimerotic torturing in the WARS. Or maybe it's just about Yale people being losers. He just said he DOESN'T WANT TO DO POLITICS. BUT HE DOES IN THE END!
11:17: They're country western dancing on a bar Coyote Ugly styles. Oliver Stone is a hell of a director.
11:24: Hazing-torture link completed. Cheney-Bush relationship a hilarious caricature. Also Powell sounds fresh, like someone doing a bad old-black-guy impression of some sort. This whole thing is weak as fuck.
11:37: Romance. Laura is a filthy filthy slut. She takes her top off at 48:20. Then Bush becomes religious because he looks at some trees and sunshine. Oh. Actually he's having a heart attack? No it's god. And his new religious friend is like A NEW DAD.
11:58: Is that weird grasshopper person meant to be my buddy Rove? Yeah I guess he kind of looks like a weird grasshopper actually. The Willie Horton thing. Wow. This is just a series of references to shit.
12:22: Actually him running for Texas is pretty sweet. There's even a "learning how to talk to the press from Rove, under a tree" montage... like in Rocky. Oh. That bit is over instantly.
They should have called this movie Things Things Things that Happened But Not Like That Obviously, Because Nothing Has EVER Happened Like That.
Liveblog over. It gets 3/5 bones for trying. But not very hard.
29.3.09
Video Video Video: Not here but Somewhere Else
This place has thousands of these. Channel conflict. Market-send-awayness. Why would you ever come back? Bye.
Records Cost $$$
Not the shitty ones that people buy and listen to because it is hip to have your music cost a fortune, weigh a ton, and require constant fiddling every twenty minutes. The ones where people carry forks across tightrope wires and bats go into space and woman have quantuplits. I mean Guinness World Records. They cost $$$money$$$. BIG money.
So it wont be happening. Blame the Irish.
26.3.09
Bongo Bog,Forgotten Dog and Shooting at a log. HAB4U hits the Beach.
I don't know how many of you readers are aware, but we are in the midst of a MASSIVE exodus. Literally tens of people have been trading in the mad, p-fuelled, piss smelling, student demonstrating, up all night staying, world of Wellington for the laid backed, grape raped landscape of the B.
And what better way to welcome these world wary souls than by taking one of them to the beach, in a phat bongo van with a deadly sniper rifle and an endless supply of sizzlers (double cheeze) .
Unfortunately, the old digi cam got left at home, soooo the only souvenirs of this mad cap day, a day that involved getting stuck in sand for hours and forgetting to give the dog a ride back into town, are these awesome photos of a stone that has the letter P on it, and what looks like teeth marks.
Don't you wish you lived in Benheim and got up to the crazy shit we do?
Like Most Songs, Song Sounds Like Other Songs
In much the same way that Pwolf sees ghosts in trees, I'm afflicted with this thing where I hear other shitty pop-rock songs inside of newer shitty pop-rock songs. This one's pretty tenuous I suppose, but it does give weight to my theory that all songs are shit.
That's pretty fucking similar. Let the Muse thing run a bit. If you can't see what I mean then you are stupid. Now this next one is a bit more tenuous. But still, it is a thing that reminds me a lot of another thing. Take 1:06 of the Fall Out Boy song and compare the the drop in the Offspring track (0:41). I'm 90% sure that, while not exactly the same, it is copied in spirit.
Who cares? No one. But come on... the Offspring used to be kind of good. Now they're cribbing changes from emo kids and British overachievers who know secrets about Jewz.
24.3.09
Sorry DoleBots, John Key is Your New Internet Dalai Lama For a While
That 92a thing is dead, because someone told this guy that people hate it. Maybe ***YOU*** told him that? by blacking out your cat's twitter? If so you must be pretty happy right now. By the looks of it this had more to do with pressure from ISPs who - amazingly - don't want to be legally obliged to force their best customers not to give them money anymore.
So coming soon: probably another IP law that will suck really bad. But it maybe wont be as bad as that last one. Although fuck. It could be the same damn thing but with a "more independent adjudicator" overseeing everything. My money is on a law about how John Key owns your genetic code, and how he wants the tar.gz of it sent to his inbox within a week of conception, unless you're not white, in which case he can take it or leave it really.
Also: Who the fuck authorised that photo? Did the guy with the smarmy Tory stencil-set stay home that day with the hangover? Fuck. What a man.
23.3.09
Myth Busting with Evan
Ever thought there was more to life than natural selection? Ever wondered if you might of been made by a giant guy with a beard who doesn’t like jews?
Thanks to ‘Ape Jaw Evan’, our friend at biblelife.org you can find out the truth about evolution. He also dispells other myths including alien life. Following are some really good points he makes:
If natural selection were true, Eskimos would have fur to keep warm, but they don't. They are just as hairless as everyone else. If natural selection were true, humans in the tropics would have silver, reflective skin to help them keep cool, but they don't.
Life did not start with a bolt of lightning striking a pond of water as claimed by evolutionists. That is pure childish fantasy. Evolution is simply a myth.
Evolution is a Religion - the Worship of a Make Believe Time-god.
22.3.09
Hillbilly Excited by Exciting Product.
I know exactly what you're thinking: "Get that damn, normal, orange off my screen, I've seen fruit before, all the time! "
Just hear me out though please.
See anything...awry ?
Yep, something is definitely wrong here. That orange is all...
...BLOOD COLOURED !!!!!!!
Yeah, that's right. I just ate a blood orange and am feeling pretty darn sophisticated. Just one of many exotic fruits I have always dreamed of eating. I cant think of any other fruits off hand, but trust me, its is something I want to do. Sample the finest fruit the earth has to offer, either by going to strange lands or lobbying my supermarket to start stocking that fruit that smells like rotting meat but tastes nice. Either way, I don't give a fuck.
Missed Oportunities: Memory Machines
While we're on the subject of robots, I had pretty much the idea for more or less this robot, but no one wanted in. And now it will live on without any of us. Reminding.
Actually my idea was for a:
"stripped down neck-worn iphoneish device which automatically collects the day to day movements and interactions of an aged person with onset dementia, and based on simple rules, loops recordings (AV, transcripts, maps, timelines, pics) of those interactions back to a carer for later review and action. (doing so intelligently via evolving rules)"
and was completely batshit insane. The basic design was worked out on the ferry at the scary end of 25 waking hours. And by 'design worked out' I mean 'things that would be awesome', were typed with "give it 5 years and I assume this would be possible" appended to every paragraph, as if making up a span of time for no reason suddenly makes something feasible. Then at the end (5 years was up apparently) there's this:
I think it's all doable with current tech except perhaps having the thing not break the old guys neck. But batteries are going to improve.
It's also possible that the thing could be sort of distributed through some sort of a garment rather than being a closed box around the neck...
THAT's the sort of thinking that ends recessions.
Note: Our CC license does not at all apply to the top secret idea I just mentioned. If I see a confused old person shuffling around the supermarket with a couple of iphones duct taped to his head then I will be suing someone's teeth out.
20.3.09
Old Video Features Terrifying Military Robot
I know this is old. But it's also terrifying. This thing will soon be enforcing copyright takedown notices in the recessapocalyptic wasteland to come, burning your children's faces off with lasers before "settling" out of court for 50 carbon-credits, the only currency remaining. Also we will eat pills instead of bacon. Other foods will be much the same.
Bat Enters Space, Makes You Believe Again
Some time recently they launched another shuttle into space. Note how they never go into space with rockets anymore, because THEY NEVER ACTUALLY DID THAT IT MUST BE IMPOSSIBLE. When that happened ANOTHER THING happened: a fucking bat went along for the ride. Combining a perfect example of how incredibly sloppy the NASA launch protocols are with a perfect example of why we should never give up hope, and quit our jobs, and get new jobs where you get to eat whenever and have a stereo in your office, this thing did what Obama almost did but then didn't: save everyone from themselves by making us all forget and believe and stop doing illegal downloads.
19.3.09
The Right to Bear Arms.
Yeah, I got given a sweet air rifle with a sight. Pep-pep wont let me fire it in the backyard, in case the neighbours call homicide, he dont wanna go back to central booking, but if you guys need anyone 'got'...i can cause slight bruising.
I cant be bothered getting it down from the cupboard to photograph it for a bunch of lazy jerks who don't even try to comment anymore.
I'll shoot you community.
When the Internet Was Like This
Remember when the internet involved the phone, and everything was text, and awesome kids like this were in charge? With the bomb making recipes? And the free toll calls? Neither really. But here's a taste of the last days, before your grandparents were on it, and everything was video phones and hi def laser porn:
XTRA, the telescum ISP, the ones that charge you $2.50 per fucking hour,have just recently introduced a new FLAT RATE account, thats CHEAPER than ihug. Itz $39.95 fer the installation fee, and then $39.95 per month. ihug is $45 per month, and $59 installation. Also, because XTRA is owned by telescum, theres none of this 4300 users over 2 lines bullshit, itz i think a ratio of 1 line fer every 5 callers, and telescum can do that because THEY OWN THE FUCKING LINES!
'accidently' knock one of these off thge shelve.
TELCOM MUST BE THE MOST AROGANT STUCK UP SHITS OF THEM ALL. THEn THINK THAT NO ONE CAN TOUCH THEM, HA. LOOK IN YA FONE BOOK (MOST OF YA HAVE THIS) AND FIND OUT WERE THE TELCOM BUILDING IS IN YOUR CITY. GET DRESSED UP IN A SUIT (SERIOUSLY), AND GET A NICE BIG BRIEFCASE. WALK IN AND HEAD STRAIGHT TO THE STAIRS, DON'T USE THE LIFTS AS SOMEONE MAY AS YOU ABOUT WHAT YOUR DOIN IN THE BUILDING. NOW GO ONTO THE FIRST FLOOR AND WALK ROUND UNTIL YOU SEE A OPEN OFFICE WITH NO ONE IN IT GO IN GRAB AS MANY PAPERS, KEYS, HANDBOOKS, AND OTHER INTERESTING SHIT AND STUFF IT IN YOU BRIEFCASE, REPEAT THIS ABOUT 3 TIMES THEN MOVE TO THE NEXT FLOOR. IF YOU SEE ANY TEST FONES LYING AROUND, GRAB THEM AS THEY ARE BETTER MADE THAN YOUR SHITTY BEIGH BOX. IF YOU FIND ANY DOORS WITH THE WORDS "EQUPMENT ROOM" GO IN, TAKE AS MANY MANUALS, MAPS, KEYS, TEST FONES AS POSSIBLE, SHOVE THE LOOT IN YA BAG AND EXIT. GO HOME READ THE SHIT FIND OUT WHAT IT IS, IF YOU DON'T WANT IT DUMP IT IN A NEIGHBOURS TRASH, IF YOU KEEP IT, HIDE IT SOMEWARE SAFE, NOT NEXT TO YA BED.
Awesome. uPd@e> disclaimer- i will not take any shit. word up. from feds, police, kids, i don't care who you are. PEACE everyone!ZZ$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
18.3.09
Earth Hour NonSensible, Obvious Target, Greatest Thing? No.
Earth hour is coming. That's a thing where you are supposed to not have lights on for a while. There's no need to go into how pointless and lame this is... "statement of intent" anyone? Yeah. Also I've never owned a car so I'm a million times ahead of you idiots anyway.
So yeah... have a blurry photo of a barn lit up like a fucking torch for no reason. Or because Jesus was born. Either way all it does is ever so slightly change the price of non-residential electricity bills. That's what all that drama about the lakes being low is every year. Pricing. Cans. Aluminium. Still... candles and friends are nice. I'm told.
17.3.09
16.3.09
Obama to Steal Your ipod, Render all Blackout Stuff Double-Irrelevant
Remember back when this blog got all off topic (our topic is food/babies/animals) talking about a NZ law of the internet which probably would never matter at all? And then there was a protest about it which also didn't matter?
Well all of that stuff probably pales in comparison to this thing: a copyright law so harsh and mysterious that Obama wont even let people look at it, except for rich people who work for record companies.
It would apply in NZ, and a xmas hamper of other lazy countries where people love having government stooges grep through their ipods. Na seriously. They want to look through your fucking ipod at the airport. Or something. Oh yeah, and ban p2p outright. KRS-ONE would not be amused.
In other internet news: Viggi (you know... Viggi...) has two jobs, and is considering the twitter.
Comment of the Week: Drugz Edition
guitar4art (1 year ago) Show Hide
I love this music but it reminds me of who I was back then. just need a little microdot, a 714 to cut the edge and a six pack. Then ready to party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You kids do not make my stupid mistakes, but do try for mary jane to be legalized. You know the government is a bunch of stuck up hypocrtical assholes. Amsterdam sounds like the ticket! peace out!
15.3.09
Dogs In Residence
The Bed and Breakfast Dogs of New Zealand. A Review.
Good cover, shiny writing.
This dog seems kinda cool. Im totally not into faggy dogs like this, but c'mon, wook ad his widdle fwace
This dog is totally giving the viewer the glad eye. Dora you little slut.
I actually know these two dogs personally, good sorts. They remind me of really friendly Christians. Which is weird cos they aren't Christian at all, but you know the vibe I mean, not over bearing, but really self assured and happy inside. The type of person dog that gets a good nights sleep and never wakes up crying.
.
This Blog's Recession Solved by Time and Feelings
Person, Phantom Expander?, in CameraPhone PedoFolly
6:56:12 Nosey Girl: i made a pedo cry yesterday
6:56:19 scaredofbabies: oh yeah what was that about?
6:56:21 Nosey Girl: well #### and i saw him taking photos up skirts and then he tried to make a break
6:57:06 Nosey Girl: but we got him
This is real journalism. Time to ask the real questions:
6:58:29 scaredofbabies: so what made him a pedo rather than just a creepy upskirt guy
6:58:52 Nosey Girl: he was like 40 and the girls were like 12
6:59:09 scaredofbabies: how’d you get him? like chase him?
7:01:04 Nosey Girl: yeah pretty much
Ok then. So it was pretty much like Pokemon.
7:03:29 Nosey Girl: after he knew we were onto him he didn’t bother hiding it
7:03:56 scaredofbabies: i guess it would be obvious if he was once they look at his phone
7:04:18 Nosey Girl: yeah they said he had stuff on his phone
7:04:51 Nosey Girl: and you could tell when the security guy grabbed him he knew he was caught.
7:05:47 Nosey Girl: he was so gross. but it was so awesome
7:06:15 scaredofbabies: how to blog this
Morals of this story: WTF people? Oh yeah and this was at HomeGrown or whatever. And if you really have to do this sort of thing, for scientific research or something, then do bother hiding it.
Things Most Overated: Pink Floyd's The Wall
Things that some people think are really awesome but which are not actually awesome at all. Who could possibly care? Irritable dweebs. So here I go:
Pink Floyd's 1979 The Wall. 23 times platinum. Rolling Stone's (lolwho?) 87th Album of all time. Perennial favourite of stoned old men with comfy chairs.
Fundamentally, it's not really what people think it is: People think that a) The Wall is some sort of concept album, or rock opera, and b) that that makes it really out of it. But it really isn't, and that really wouldn't anyway. First the 70s were full of albums with stories and themes and stuff, some of them good, all of them better than The Wall.
Second, what is the Wall's concept or story? There's some stuff from Water's life, some stuff from Barrett's... sort of... (covered better in earlier Floyd albums anyway), something about a Wall or whatever... around someone's... feelings. Well done. And then the spluttering cliche of pop music as facism. I guess. It could be even worse than that. Who cares. Read a fucking book or something.
The single is barely even a song. This is immediately obvious to anyone but me at age 13, and people who wear gumboots to the pub: Another Brick In The Wall Part 2 isn't really much of a song. It's one ridiculously dull riff over history's limpest drum beat. Then some kids sing... about not liking school so much. The solo is ok. But all his solos are ok. Which, when you're talking about rock, is to say that they completely fucking suck.
Most of the other 25 tracks are not really songs either. Seriously, stripped of their overblown context there'd only be like 3 tracks here that you could consider actual worthwhile songs. Adding in a bunch of sound effects, and tweaking a few names in the lyrics so it seems like there might be a story doesn't fix that. Randomly pick a song off the Wall, and tell me why you would ever want to listen to it. The odds are 1:8.6 that you're listening to a pretentious book-end.
Also there's the thing that's wrong with almost all Pink Floyd performances: They are so fucking weak. Not in the general sense "man that's weak". In the more concrete sense of simply having no rock in them. 99% of the time they sound like they're reading charts... like a stroppy band-leader is going to scold them for making mistakes. The drummer actually has zero feel. Somewhere after Obscured By Clouds Gimour's lead playing became a horribly 'adequate' self-parody. And basically they haven't committed a split second of energy, bite, or electricity to tape since Live in Pompeii (which is actually awesome... it's like a whole different band).
MetaPoints: a) I just googled "pink floyd over rated wall" and it seems I'm not the first to point this out. b) Who the fuck cares about whether or not Pink Floyd suck? Hopefully no one. c) And what the fuck is an album even? Yeah. But it's written now.
Coming soon... a review of some movie where it turns out in the end that things weren't what they seemed.
Hairiest Man's Musical Venture Surprisingly Lame
Most people by now have probably seen Jon Stewart getting way up on his high horse to spank this CNBC guy. It's a pretty awkward call-out. Well here's my EXACT equivalent of that thing:
That is China's hairiest man. In the video someone says something about how he's going to stop being a sad recluse and start a band. When I heard that I assumed, naturally, that he would be starting some stupidly edgy genre-defying noise fest because... he's really fucking hairy... and probably has some noisy issues to do with that.
And then I saw this thing. And it turns out that the only issue he has is dancing awesomely. And that his band is more a thing where he spins around.
You suck, hairiest man in China. This is what happens when your country doesn't have a suitably jaded middle class.
12.3.09
Coming Soon…
This one goes out to all you Arrested Development (AD) fans – A new show on fox called Sit Down, Shut Up a cartoon with AD people in it, I have no idea what to expect. Although it does have a couple of writers from the simpsons I hear.
My original post was going to be about the new simpsons title: what’s that shit about?
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